Monday, December 17, 2012

I HATE Christmas Shopping!!!

This time of year is supposed to make people feel wonderful. The feeling of giving gifts and spending time with family. Watching as the kids beg to open their presents early and leaving cookies and milk for Santa. When you are a greiving Mom or Dad though it ALL changes!! Almost every greiving family I know have other children but the holidays are never the same.

I had to go Christmas shopping today!! Now usually I would be jumping for joy as I would be entering Toys R Us and no one in the world would be able to contain my excitememnt as I would be picking out presents and shoving them into the cart. Today was different of course. I entered the store and immediately wanted to walk back out. I HATE not buying presents for two boys. I HATE going past the aisles of cars toys,hot wheels and puzzles knowing I would normally be ripping them from the shelves and thinking"WOW I cant wait til Michael opens this".Now I buy presents for him and leave them at his grave. My heart is ripped from my chest when I think about it. I dont want Christmas. I would rather it pass by without a second thought,but I cant let that happen.I have a wonderful son who NEEDS Christmas more than ever. He still believes in Santa but we believe in Michael more.

For all my greiving families out there..especially Jen,Robynne and Lorraine..Try to have a Merry Christmas this year. Some of us may be a little too old to believe in Santa..but we will ALWAYS believe in OUR special Angels..;)

Sunday, December 2, 2012

you never know what will set me off.

This is the second year of holidays without our Munchkin. Id like to think it will get easier over time but lets face it...that will never really happen..and people that say it does are wrong. How can that feeling ever lessen or get better?

I can get through the holidays just like I did last year. There are triggers that set me off though and sometimes Im not even ready for them. Example:..Target..I was shopping with my mom and Karyn in Target not long ago...having fun..spending time together and laughing. Then it happened..I got to the baking aisle...Now you would think that the Christmas aisle or toy aisle would cause a little meltdown..and sometimes it does....but was the baking aisle.

Now anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to bake...especially with my boys...cookies,cupcakes,just about was our little quality time with them fighting over who is going to lick the spoon, contemplating a flour fight and anxiously awaiting for the timer to go off.

Now back to story: I got really quiet and just started to tear up. Karyn(who of course knows me better than I know myself)..looked at me and immediately knew what was going on. She ushered me quickly out of the aisle and gave me a very big hug,then told Mom and she gave me another hug. I rubbed my eyes and tried to hide the fact that I was crying and we went on our way through the store.

I never know what will set me off. It could be a picture,a toy,a song, if you see me in a store and Im crying in the toy aisle or in the boys section of clothes...just give me a will pass and I will be fine I said before it will never get easier but maybe the things that trigger me will start to happen less and less.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month. I will be the first person to say that before my Michael got sick I probably didnt know this information. If I would see a commercial for St.Judes or some other organization I wouldve changed the channel. Now of course its not that I didnt care but it was just too heartbreaking to watch. What kind of person did that make me? Was I a horrible person to turn away from it?

Well that answer would be No!!..

 No one wants to think of a little kid having cancer. Why would they? Kids shouldnt get cancer. They should be able to grow up in the safety of their parents,going to school,learning how to play sports. Their life shouldnt be filled with chemo treatments,weeks sometimes months in the hospital and not knowing whether tomorrow will be their last day here on earth. These kids are the strongest kids in the world when they shouldnt have to be. I would give anything to have one more day with my Munchkin...For Joey to have one more day with his little brother.

 I spread awareness for this cause because every Parent,Grandparent,Aunt and Uncle,Cousin and Friend should be able to hug a kid.....NOT A HEADSTONE!!

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month!!...but in this house its every year,every month...for the rest of our lives.

Spread the word!!!.....LETS FIND A CURE!!!

Monday, July 23, 2012


I was told once that on one hand you can count your true best friends. The people that REALLY know you(faults and all) and still want to be your friend. This is EXTREMELY true in the case of my best friend Sheila. For those of you who know me know the funny story of how we became friends. For those of you who dont let me enlighten you.

Sheila and I went to the same high school and knew of eachother but didnt hang out or anything. When I was 17 I started dating my first real boyfriend named Michael. We went out for a year and then broke up,got back together,you know the drill. Well one night I was out with my friends and saw him pull up to the same place I was...with another girl in the car....that girl being Sheila...we didnt know it at the time but we were both dating him at the same time. Now nether of us knew about eachother at the instead of going the usual route of girls fighting and screaming over the same man...We dumped his ass and became friends. We have been friends ever since.

The reason I tell this story is because of all the shit that has gone on in our
arguments....heartbreaks..families...our friendship has never changed. We have alot of things in common now more than ever. We have children...we've had cancer in our family...but we ALWAYS have eachother.

We still joke that we cant ever be apart bc we have too much dirt on eachother..LOL..oh and we still plan to send flowers to that guy to thank him for bringing us together..;)

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Happy Fathers Day Daddy!!!

Happy Fathers Day to every wonderful Dad that I know...especially my own.

I am an official Daddys girl. Always have been and for people that are lucky enough to know my Dad they know why. Hes wonderful. Hes sweet. Hes stubborn as a mule but most of all is he is my hero. I would usually say that my twin is the only person who can tell what Im going to say before I say it but Dad and I are pretty much the same way. I dont have to tell him when Im upset,or happy,or scared. He just knows..sometimes even before I do.

Im told that I look the most like him and I find that to be a huge compliment. To me my Dad is the most handsome man ever.  He has the power to make me feel better with just one hug(ok and a kiss on the forehead). When he finds something to be really funny and laughs his whole face lights up like a Christmas tree. Now dont get me wrong he is not perfect...LOL...He is stubborn...he tells Dad jokes(you all know what I mean by that..LOL) and when he thinks hes right about something you can talk to him til youre blue in the face and he will not back down..but thats what makes him Dad..MY Dad.

What makes my Dad even more special is that he makes one hell of a Pop Pop. Watching him with Joey is amazing. He tells me Joey is alot like him when he was little and that makes me smile bc if he turns out to be anything like my Dad he will be AWESOME!!!.

I tell my Dad pretty much everyday that I love him. What he doesnt always hear from me is that I respect him....and look up to him.....and that he is my hero.

So to my wonderfully stubborn,handsome and funny Dad....I LOVE YOU!!!...Happy Fathers Day!!