Happy Mothers Day Mom.....I didnt understand.

Well first of all Happy Mothers Day to all of the wonderful Moms I know. It is one of my favorite days to celebrate (a little harder the last few years of course). I was thinking the other day about how many people were thinking of me on this day. I felt overwhelmed. All of my friends and family were thinking how hard this day must be for me. Well it was. VERY HARD!!.

I was watching Joey try and make sure I had the best Mothers day ever. He makes me smile sooo much and brings the craziest,funniest,wackiest and the most fun everyday already. He made me breakfast in bed,gave me a beautiful crystal angel and we went Monster mini golfing. All I needed was him to make me smile. And he did..:)

Then I started to think of my Mom and then like a ton of bricks it hit me. How hard it must be for her to watch her little girl on Mothers Day without one of her sons here. It honestly never occured to me how hard this must be for her...She has all her kids wishing her a Happy Mothers Day!!....and I dont!! Im sure its hard for my friends and family to see me missing a little part of myself. But it has to VERY HARD for my Mom and Dad.

I can tell you that during our battle with Michael I was at times(well most times) a complete pyschob*tch. I didnt want anyone to help me,talk to me,look at me and most of all console me. I wanted to do everything myself and swore that I could do it alone. I fought with everyone..and I mean EVERYONE!!!

What I realized later on was that it was just as hard to watch people you love go through something like this. Like I said it never hit me. I was soo hard on everyone and tried to push everyone away as they were just trying to deal with it as well.

I watch Joey now and would love to take any pain away that comes to him whether its being sick,feeling alone or just having a bad day. Im sure he will do the same thing to me and want to just deal with everything himself. So to everyone who stayed with me during my horrible moments...you know who you are..and ESPECIALLY to my Mom...Thank you..and Im sorry..I didnt understand.

Happy Mothers Day Mommy!!

2nd year is harder than the first.

People say the first year of anything is the hardest..especially when you lose a loved one. I was thinking about this and found out..at least in my opinion..that this is not true. I spent the first year after losing Michael trying to prove to everyone(mostly myself) that I was strong enough to handle all of it. I kept that smile on my face almost permanently thinking that if I was "on" all the time I would be fine. Needless to say it didnt work. Why did I think I had to prove anything?

The first everything after Michael passed WAS hard. The first Easter,Birthday,Christmas,New Years etc....it was devastating. I hated only making one Easter basket..one set of Christmas presents...Birthday presents on a headstone instead of watching a sweet little boy open them up and scream in delight. How come I dont get to see or do that anymore?

Year 1 was spent in disbelief and shock which is why I believe year 2 is harder. This is how I will spend every year. I will spend it as a grieving Mom of a sweet little Nuzzlebunny. I will still read The Sneetches and The Lorax to the sky everyday. I will still kiss his picture goodnight and tell him I miss him and love him with all my hearts. The smile may have been there for year one..but its starting to crack a little for year 2.

My first day at CHOP was insane. Emotions were all over the place. I think I yelled at everyone I laid eyes on at some point during that day. Then I walked into the Ronald McDonald kitchen to look around and thats when I met her. Her name is Christine. We introduced ourselves and asked the infamous question.."What does your child have?". I noticed she knew where everything was and knew her way around the place and thats when she told me she was here for a second time. I was speechless. Shes going through this again..OMG!!...How is she still sane?...She showed me around and for the first time I felt not completely alone. We had coffee every morning,noon and night together while we were there. We joked around,yelled at doctors,helped eachother when needed and tried to keep eachother sane. If you ask her she will probably tell you she didnt do much...but to me she did  EVERYTHING. I honestly dont think I would have been able to get through any of my time there without her. Michael may be my angel..but she is my lifesaver. If she is reading this I want her to know that her friendship saved my heart,my head and my life.

She now needs my help. I may be a former CHOP MOM but Im ready to be by her side for whatever she needs me to do. I love her and her family.....so to my friend Christine...Im READY!!

Im ok...well sort of..: The greatest words a mother can hear..:)

Im ok...well sort of..: The greatest words a mother can hear..:): I have often wondered if the words I love you are the best words you can hear from your child. I say them alot to my family and friends and ...

The greatest words a mother can hear..:)

I have often wondered if the words I love you are the best words you can hear from your child. I say them alot to my family and friends and after these past two years I find myself saying it even more. There is a rule in my house now. Say I love you when you leave to go anywhere because you never know if you will have the chance again.

 A few days ago I was cuddling with my son Joey and before he fell asleep he looked at me and said the words I believe every parent NEEDS to hear. He said "Mommy,you make me feel safe". I stared at him as he closed his eyes and I started to tear up.Did I really make him safe? After these past two years of extreme pain and uncertainty did I somehow still manage to sheild him even in a little way?

 We had made the decision early on to never lie to Joey when it came to Michael. It was painful to have to bite my tongue and not just tell Joey that everything would be ok,but he had to know the truth. Friends would tell me to just sugarcoat things for him but we honestly just couldnt do that. He would have never forgiven us if we did that to him.

 So now after these past two years and everything our family has gone through I can honestly sit here and say that when your child tells you that you make him feel safe it really is THE BEST WORDS A PARENT CAN HEAR.