People say the first year of anything is the hardest..especially when you lose a loved one. I was thinking about this and found out..at least in my opinion..that this is not true. I spent the first year after losing Michael trying to prove to everyone(mostly myself) that I was strong enough to handle all of it. I kept that smile on my face almost permanently thinking that if I was "on" all the time I would be fine. Needless to say it didnt work. Why did I think I had to prove anything?
The first everything after Michael passed WAS hard. The first Easter,Birthday,Christmas,New Years etc....it was devastating. I hated only making one Easter basket..one set of Christmas presents...Birthday presents on a headstone instead of watching a sweet little boy open them up and scream in delight. How come I dont get to see or do that anymore?
Year 1 was spent in disbelief and shock which is why I believe year 2 is harder. This is how I will spend every year. I will spend it as a grieving Mom of a sweet little Nuzzlebunny. I will still read The Sneetches and The Lorax to the sky everyday. I will still kiss his picture goodnight and tell him I miss him and love him with all my hearts. The smile may have been there for year one..but its starting to crack a little for year 2.