On February 25 it will be one year since my son Michael has died. I realized yesterday that I have never said that word.."died". It was always he passed, or he gained his wings. Why is it so hard for me to say that word? I still correct my 8 year old son Joey when he says that word. I know kids are very blunt when they say things but it still makes me cringe when I hear that word. Is it because it makes it too real? Am I really a Mom of a deceased child? I dont know how to be that person. I dont want to be that person.
If you ask most people how Im doing they will probably tell you that I always have a smile on my face and for the most part seem ok.Well, theyre WRONG. I cry when Im alone. I cry in the shower. I ask why did this happen to me. I sometimes want to break a window or smash something just to get some anger out. I dont ever want to show the world that I cant handle it. Its a private thing to me.
I watch my son Joey play all by himself now and it breaks my heart. I have no idea what that is like because I have siblings. I have a twin sister and an older sister so I have had 2 best friends since the day I was born. Five and a half years of Joey having a little brother to play with and then take him away isnt fair to him. Its not fair period.
SO the question is...When does it hurt a little less? The answer is NEVER. It might get a little easier to get through the day,months, and years...But it never hurts less.