Wednesday, February 8, 2012

    On February 25 it will be one year since my son Michael has died. I realized yesterday that I have never said that word.."died". It was always he passed, or he gained his wings. Why is it so hard for me to say that word? I still correct my 8 year old son Joey when he says that word. I know kids are very blunt when they say things but it still makes me cringe when I hear that word. Is it because it makes it too real? Am I really a Mom of a deceased child? I dont know how to be that person. I dont want to be that person.

     If you ask most people how Im doing they will probably tell you that I always have a smile on my face and for the most part seem ok.Well, theyre WRONG. I cry when Im alone. I cry in the shower. I ask why did this happen to me. I sometimes want to break a window or smash something just to get some anger out. I dont ever want to show the world that I cant handle it. Its a private thing to me.

     I watch my son Joey play all by himself now and it breaks my heart. I have no idea what that is like because I have siblings. I have a twin sister and an older sister so I have had 2 best friends since the day I was born. Five and a half years of Joey having a little brother to play with and then take him away isnt fair to him. Its not fair period.

     SO the question is...When does it hurt a little less? The answer is NEVER. It might get a little easier to get through the day,months, and years...But it never hurts less.



  1. You have never shared anything remotely negative regarding Mikey's passing...and I've never heard you use the term 'died'. This was the most vulnerable you have been 'out loud'...and I don't care how much you cry in private, you are one strong, strong woman. And beautiful. God bless you with this blog--I bet you a million it will help you tremendously in ways you never fathomed. xoxo!

  2. I agree with Jamie. You are incredibly strong. I can't even imagine your grief. I am in awe of your honesty. I think this blog will be a wonderful outlet for you. I KNOW that your experience will help other parents deal with their grief. Unfortunately, in my job, I have seen way too many children pass away. Its so unfair. Sending love to you, Billy & Joey.

  3. You are truly amazing! Every time you write something on Facebook I find it inspirational. This entry you wrote touched my heart and soul. You smile that beautiful smile of yours every day for Michael. Love and hugs to u!

  4. (((Krissy))),
    Sweetie you're right, the hurt never goes away nor do the questions. While I came close to knowing your pain, I will, hopefully, never know it. Even if Robby hadn't beaten back the beast and was taken from me I still wouldn't know your pain, just as you wouldn't know mine. We're different people and have different life experiences. I was 18 when my mother died at 59 and 20 when my brother died at 26 and 44 when my father died at 89. Their deaths still hurt. My mother and brother, like Michael, because they died far too young, and my father because our relationship had finally gotten to the point where we each knew how much we loved each other. I wanted to enjoy that longer than we got.

    I hope that I can put this into words that express my feelings correctly. Hopefully I can. On the day Robby was born I held him in my arms and looked at that beautiful face and said to him already you're growing away from me. This is true for every parent. The younger our children are the closer they are to us. As they grow up they also grow away from us. That's as it should be. It's what happened with me and my parents and I'm sure what happened with you and yours. You were robbed of having Michael grow away from you. It's not natural for parents to have to bury their child. However, and this is where I'm concerned about not being able to express my feelings, while you were robbed of Michael not growing away from you, in a very strange way, you're also blessed. Michael will never grow away from you. He will always be your munchkin. Mommy will always be his girlfriend. He'll never have his heart broken. He'll never hang with the wrong crowd. He'll never be a smart-ass teenager who back talks and spends too much time in his room or bathroom. You'll never lie awake worried waiting for him to come home. Your memories of him will always be as the sweet little boy that he was.

    So you go ahead and cry in the shower and when you're alone. You keep asking why? You were robbed. I wish you weren't. I wish that you could go through the pain of watching your son grow away from you.


  5. I don't believe it's ever supposed to stop hurting. The second it stops means you no longer care, you no longer feel. I know that will never happen. To grieve for him, to miss him is to love and remember him, and honoring that memory is the purest thing ever.